Connection Dissection

OK first update on what I’m doing. I’ve been investigating printers (even visited one today that was having an open house). Purpose is to potentially find someone to outsource work to so I can do wholesale. Plan is to contact a few people and get some inital bids to see what I can price stuff at, finish the catalog, then go from there. Working on more stuff.. etc etc.

ok all that said, now I’m gonna rant about something that’s been pissing me off…

Purpose of this blog is to get the lead out a bit. When I used to keep a blog on iam.bme back in the 90’s I found it super helpful, and I was able to connect with a lot of people. Landscape has changed of course, and I have less of an interest in keeping counsel with an isolated community (which I don’t know properly exist anymore, that space was it’s own golden pressurecooker). I’m also not super inclined on writing -too much- personal stuff here, like I’m not going to talk about my romantic life or the consistency of my poop or whatever TMI vulgar thing. I’ll tell you this though. Part of Sara E Adrian Mission Statement ™ is to be honest and to combat fear in all forms. I firmly feel that while individual experiences may vary, we all have a lot in common. My life and my experiences are not unique, and I have many. It’s why I think some describe me as warm and compassionate… I personally don’t know about all that, I just don’t believe in judgement, and I know what it’s like to feel isolated and alone. I also know, that nobody really is, sometimes all it takes is for us to speak out to be seen, or sometimes we need the right person to see us. While I may not always say anything, there is very little I do not see. Understanding people is part of the work… the problem is sometimes I am most definitely not understood, and that can be very frustrating.

It’s partly why I’m irritated today. I actually got this message a while ago, like a few weeks ago I think. There’s this message service that’s been circulating my FB lately. It’s an anon message service meant for feedback for coworkers, but some people are just using it for shits (like me and btw if you have some crazy burning desire to send me messages you can do so here). Mostly what I gotten I would stamp as innocuous. Person who wrote “I + thank + you + for + chatting + with + me”, you’re welcome, everyone needs a chat now and then and I always am curious what people have to say. “You are a conundrum. And that’s a beautiful thing.”, Ummm yay? I’m happy I leave you confused (and now I’m confused lol). And then it gets weird. I’m terribly attracted to you but am quite sure I would end up being a disappointment”, my first reaction to this was WELL WITH THAT ATTITUDE YOU WILL BE! If that’s you, A. stop beating yourself up, it’s not helping you, and 2, There is that shit ‘you gotta love yourself before you can love someone else’… well you got to at least believe in yourself. I can’t save you, and I’m well past the traingwheels-cheerleader stage of relationship. Work on yourself, be awesome, then maybe ask me out for a drink. I promise nothing but if you believe in your path, then you wont need my approval.

Now here’s the shit that’s been sitting on my ass today:
“It is frustrating to watch someone who is as brilliant, independent, amazingly talented, and lovely as you build walls that prevents them from being happy. [edit] Stop hiding behind your self esteem and start LOVING YOURSELF so that you can find happiness. You DESERVE it”

ok, let me esplain why this is bullshit (btw typo intentional).
I’m not disputing the talented bit. The ego in me will tell you I am a fucking tank of talent, I got a lot of work to do to prove that but that’s neither here nor there. I don’t talk about it, because *arrogance* but I know I am capable, relatively smart, and I drive my own bus (aka independent). It’s the walls thing I take issue with.

Walls, AKA Boundaries. I will tell you a secret, O’ five of three people who might actually read this and not just like it for the photo, my boundaries are moderate. What I do is I meet people and I read them to see what it is they might be ok with. I have learned the hard way to develop a filter, because I can say stuff that may be TMI, or creep people out, which means I may say something to people that will make them misunderstand me. This frustrates me a lot, because it’s never my goal to put people off. I generally want people to laugh. I won’t ask for anything from anyone they aren’t interested in giving. This means I’m probably not hitting on you, and I’m probably not asking anything of you. If I do, you will know because when I want something I will directly ask. Communication is the key to all relationships, I’m a firm believer in that. If I’m not asking for something, I’m not hinting, I’m not being vague, I’m not asking. In turn if you want something or want me to know somethings ok you got to tell me because I won’t presume either. I operate like this because it fits into how I think. I know that this means some folks may find me a little standoffish, there are folks I know that are super physically affectionate and maybe don’t know why I’m not. It’s because I won’t guess that it’s ok for me to hug you, even if I have known you for years.

hey, we all got a weirdness, this is kinda mine I suppose.

So, the reason why that message irritated me is, well I think I know who it’s from, and that person (or even if it’s not that person, this still applies), has not bothered to get to know me. I’m not hiding behind shit. I have boundaries but they are not that hard to break if you take time to hang out with me. This person I know for a fact hasn’t hung out with me because anyone who’d write that hasn’t bothered. Since I’m now in a mode of trying to let people in… that person has not tried to be let in, hasn’t let me in, hasn’t given me an invitation to know them. Instead I get judgment.

Do I have self esteem issues? Hello I’m an artist how are you!? Most of my issues today are because I feel a strong lack of connection. Folks I count as my closest friends are busy with their lives and their work and their lovers. I don’t begrudge them that. That is life and this is the rhythm and for me to love my friends I must let them go to be as they are. To have adventures and be fulfilled, even if that means I will have a void. All voids are though are opportunities to meet new people, for there are lots of wonderful people in the world to know.

I will sit with just about anyone had have a coffee or tea and talk about anything. I love that. I love to know people, but I’ll say this. Today people are more guarded than they used to be. I say hey to someone (especially an ex ‘whatever’) and I get the weird guarded vibe from them. I don’t know what their deal is, I don’t know why I feel they think I’m talking to them for a reason to hit on them or sell something or whatever. I don’t know and I don’t have the energy to find out. My frustration for knowing folks lies in that especially with people my age (40s). People bring their own baggage and their own experiences and agenda to the mix, and I don’t know how to circumnavigate it. I don’t even know if doing so is worth my time. I just let out a huge sigh. We so much let our own bullshit get in the way of our own happiness (I won’t say I’m the exception, for I know I am not).

Sooooooooooooooooooooooooo yeah. Back to my issue with that quote. This person assumes I don’t love myself and that this is the problem. My guess is this person is drawing from their own experiences in trying to diagnose me… (and they may be drawing conclusions from a mutual friend who has their own biases). I’d say they are inaccurate, because I don’t hate me. I like me, I got my issues, I got flaws I know other people see but I am also kinda awesome. I will make you laugh for days if I know what you find funny, and I love to do it. I make things that I want to make, I have an interesting mind… I don’t dislike being me. I’m critical of myself only because I want to be better, I don’t insult myself because I feel I deserve it.  And that’s the thing, if this person had actually gotten to know me, they’d know that.

And you want to know what really make me happy? Being around other people and making them laugh, or wonder, or question… I’m an artist because I want to share things with you, who ever you are. This is part of my Sara E. Adrian™ mission statement. If I can do anything for the world, it’s to connect you to the world and make you wonder, connect, and feel less afraid. I am of course aware that this may sound cheesy, however I have met too many people who hold back because of their fear or lack of confidence. I don’t quite know how to do it, I just know art is the way I can, whether it’s commercial printy stuff or the fine art stuff. It’ll probably take the rest of my life to figure it out but that’s what I gotta do. I’d say, I’m uniquely qualified for it, because I understand the fear, and I know it can be overcome.

I do accept that I’ll be misunderstood, even by people I like, even by people I love. Just because I know that communication the key to all relationships doesn’t mean I always know how to unlock it. Knowing stuff doesn’t always mean you know how to apply it… and also, everyone has their baggage. That person who wrote that has baggage of their own (because we all do), and their assumptions of me are based on that. That’s how all people are, when I meet someone and they act odd it’s not necessarily me, it’s them or a person I look like that they associate with me or whatever. This is why I have patience, and it’s why I don’t judge people right away, because there’s always more and learning what is there takes time, and can take trust. So, it is frustrating to see that message because it’s not accurate, or wouldn’t be if they had tried to know me… and BTW it’s edited because they are hinting at info they REALLY SHOULD NOT BE AWARE OF which is why I think they are involved with a mutual friend… but what I’m saying applies still.

Oh what is it that the AA people say?  “It’s none of your business what other people think about you’. I got irritated when I first heard that, but it’s right. I can’t control your opinion, which will be based off of your experiences and ideas. I try to be pretty straight with people, but that doesn’t always work, sometimes people don’t believe me… and all I can do is sigh. And then I keep going, because whether you think I’m confusing or have issues or whatever… hey, if you don’t bother to dig deeper and answer them questions or know why I is the way I am, I can’t help you with that. It’s so funny, on the flip people love to be known. Why some folks don’t get it’s a two way street is beyond me.

Ah well. -shrug-

One thought on “Connection Dissection

  1. I got nothin’ cept to say I’m happy you’re blogging, I enjoy reading your posts, and keep encouraging peeps to step around their fear.

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