I’ve been reading a lot, looking at stuff (as ya do), trying to find places to land. Something to say that doesn’t reinvent the wheel for me. Trying to pinpoint why I don’t like what I’ve been making and what I can do to make it interesting again.

The visual arts be a language after all, and I don’t like to talk for the sake of it. So I’ve been sketching quietly to myself, not really wanting to share anything because it’s better to say idiot things to myself than say them publicly and remove all doubt. What I determine as ‘worth it’ is I have to react to it, and if I don’t it’s not worth sharing with you.

So. I am giving myself permission to move into areas that… I guess you could say make me uncomfortable. Not like, embarrassed, more like I’ve been concerned if I go in this direction I won’t be taken seriously. What I must do next is set my ego aside and not worry so much. Move firmly into magical realism, and be more figurative.

I’ve been also looking at what works, and what I think my ‘reputation’ is. I have heard people describe me as “feminine”, and so far what gets me the most attention is sensual lady images. One of my friends described me as “the straightest woman in the world”. I don’t know what any of that means really. I don’t think of myself as feminine, because I don’t wear heels and I don’t wear a lot of makeup most of the time. I like to build stuff and messy activities. I do like to dress up and wear drama-clothing like pearls and scarves and weird skirts, but I also have work horse clothes that are gender neutral. I’ve even been mistaken for a man before (when I am fully buttoned up and not wearing any makeup I can look very male). It’s not on purpose, I’m a cis-gendered straight lass, but I also don’t care sometimes when work gotta be done. I dunno… I’m a lady no matter what I do, even back when my hair was cut off and I was wearing carharts and doing stuff like welding shit in an artisan factory. I’m not against being described as feminine. I just don’t know where the line is I guess.

I’m still a bit… troubled about painting anything sensual, because I’m wary about objectifying women. That’s not an engine I want to be on. However, the atypical figures I’ve done get the most attention, so maybe I should use that instead of avoiding it. This isn’t about playing to the gallery. I have a lot of fun making that kind of work. A part of the reason for this break is trying to work out a way to do it… purposefully. Pinups for the sake of it bores me. It’s too easy, and if it’s easy I’ll get bored with it and I’ll stall. Can’t have that.

There’s more drawing that needs to be done. It doesn’t help that I don’t have any shows lined up so there’s no deadline. I need to create a new body of work before I can try to line any of that up. I feel like with my fine art work I’m very behind. I’ve let myself get in my own way and I’ve taken too long, but I have to let it go.

I wish I was in a better place, but there’s nothing for it. Here we are and on we go.