I’m writing this in the bath. This is where I do a lot of thinking. Water helps, in it, on it, near it.
So, quite a bit has happened since the last post. My dad went into the hospital on the 16th (his 92nd birthday) and over 2 weeks declined rapidly due to several health issues. He passed away on the 30th with family present. He remained sharp and independent up to the end. If your curious about one of my progenitors you can read his obituary here.
What I’ve been doing since is processing that loss, and also questioning everything in my world. What I’m doing, how I spend my time, who and what I give my time to, and why, and if I am getting any return for what I give. I’ve been on this mental track a bit all year, but also ignoring feeling discontent to resorting to just maintaining.
And I’ve written about this in shades before… and boo! I don’t like it, it’s not satisfying to read over and over, so I’ll take a page from my dad’s book and do something about it.
I have been hearing stories, many I was unfamiliar with like how he quit smoking. He was driving, decided he had had enough and threw his pack out the window and never smoked again. He decided he was done. I’m sure he had cravings but he never talked about it. He no longer smoked. He decided and that was final. Another story I hadn’t heard until now is why he got his pilots license. He had a fear of flying, but he needed to fly for business trips. So he learned how to fly. Before I was born he owned a small plane too.
So I’ve been thinking a lot, mostly about what to do next because I’m unsure. I feel like I haven’t made proper work in months. The work I find freelancing is rarely linked to making real art (data entry mostly) and the Etsy store brings in a little money but I’m scraping by. I don’t feel very confident in my ability as an artist right now, and I think that’s linked in conflict to what I want to say with it. I probably shouldn’t say that. We aren’t supposed to admit weakness but I’m tired of that too. I’m tired of reactionary people clinging to their own narrative in fear that having a conversation instead may open their minds to new possibilities. I’m tired of a lot of things. It reminds me of why I took a step back from event hosting. I’d pour out all my energy and time and I’d feel empty after, even when things went well. So that’s an issue in me I gotta address. What feeds the soul and where do I redirect myself is an answer I have to discover on my own. (In case it’s not clear, I’m not really looking for advice)
My approach in answering this is gonna be to go to new places and talk to new people and try new things. Dust off my adventure badge which is harder than it sounds. The only way to create change is to act, not think about it. Something I already knew but in my emo state over the past year + managed to forget.
All I have to show are drawing exercises. I’m not happy with them, but they are what they are. Next few months are gonna be… weird, because there’s lots of family stuff and other stuff and just… a lot of stuff.